When Two Become One

By: Megan Cramer

I’m looking for true union, true one-ness. Your thoughts are my thoughts, my hopes are your hopes. I see us walking along the beach, not just holding hands, but fully surgically joined at the hip. My brother is a plastic surgeon and can get me a good deal. When we get married, we will both legally change our names so that we have the same name. Then we can tattoo each other’s faces on our faces. My cousin has a tattoo shop and can give us a discount. I look forward to building this new life with you. Together. As One.

Modern Day Adonis

By: Samantha Howie

Walking Peter Pan complex seeks female partner at the top of her game to witness my journey of self discovery. Vacillating between needy and distant, I’ll keep things interesting while confusing your senses with an alluring mix of intoxicating intensity and pretending you don’t exist for several days at a time. I bring to the table a voracious appetite for attention and spontaneous adventure, and my ideal mate will, like my mother, continually nurture my ego irrespective of the drain to her own life force. Come for my soulful eyes and distinguished jaw, stay for the rollercoaster of arbitrary messages.

hi i’m jeffrey

By: Lauren Spagnoletti

my therapist says i need to find a woman who can love my cats as much as i do. my siamese, missy smooches, would be most jealous. she’s my favorite. she doesn’t pee on pillows as much anymore, so a new girlfriend shouldn’t be a big deal for her. my mother says i need to find a girl to cook for me as much as she does. she still comes by everyday to make me dinner, but she only wants to come over on weekends. that leaves five nights for someone to cook and watch wheel of fortune with me.

Love Connection

By: Adam Donshik

White body building fanatic seeks traditional Christian girl to cater to my needs. Must love Samurai swords, num-chuks really anything Ninja related actually I expect to have high protein dinners ready for me at 6 every night just like my ex-girlfriend did ‘cause SHE WAS THE BEST and you need to be just like her 5’1”, 140lbs, 34C, bleach blonde piercings are a plus but not a deal breaker and I’m not gay but must be comfortable with pegging cause Jesus is OK with it and it’s the best thing ever I listen to thrash metal 24/7 Tankard is rad.

Kristin, 33

By: Laura K.

I love: hiking, traveling, Netflix & chill (for real haha), Anusara yoga, absolute power, dim sum.

Looking for someone smart, sexy, and FUN! Something serious, but not too serious, you know? Also an enforcer/bag man/front man/eventual fall guy in my plot for world domination.

Send: two most recent checking account statements, grad-school transcripts, dick pic with standard ruler, five-minute date-stamped workout video, and firearm certification (safety first! LOL).

Divorced is fine — no kids though. Foreign-language and/or explosives knowledge a definite plus.

(…you’ll just look at my cleavage and swipe right, but can’t say I didn’t warn you!)

Classy Introvert

By: Melissa Ratliff

People hating introvert looking for any semblance of a connection. 37 with sagging tits and adult acne, self ranked 3.5. Life motto: makeup can fuck off. Enjoys long naps on the couch, belittling men, watching romantic comedies, binge eating Cheetos, and feeding my 10 lethal ferrets. Can’t cook, lousy with an iron, and overall failing at domestication. Massive credit card debt from retail therapy. Follower of none, but Satan seems cool. Sperm donors welcome, as feeling the need to push out another ungrateful offspring. Won’t give it up until at least the 32nd date though, because I’m classy like that.

Evil Mate Waiting

By: Ed Dzitko

I’ve never done this before, but after three divorces (and three years in the clink), I’m still certain there’s someone out there for me. I’m ready to move forward. So, here goes nothing.

1) I love to dominate. If you’re submissive, you’re my good girl.

2) I have a mean right hook, but do what I say and you’ll never see how good.

3) I live in an all-white commune where we share everything. Yes, even our women.

4) I’ll make sure your life will never be the same. Promise.

What are you waiting for? Email me now. Do it!

A/S/Chad (Another Sexy Chad?!)

By: Andrew Monteleone

Howdy!

Chad here!

Hoping to make dating great again? Yes we can!

I identify as a citizen of the universe and a hopeful visitor
to the planet of you.

Me???? Well….

I’m 4’ 3” solid 340, and love the gym and the juice bar
I affectionately call Dunkin’ (with a pouty face and air of entitlement )

I love word association played in loud night clubs!

Earth equals flat.
Meat is murder.
Yes is no, or did I get that backwards. Whatevzz, I’m “totes adorbzzz”

First date: you bring your carbs, I’ll bring my avocados and we’ll see who wins!

Noice!!!!!!!!

Tender Moments

By: Steve Fite

Over 40 Part-Time Musician Looking for a Not-Asshole

I’m just gonna say this up front:  I DON’T LIKE BITCHES.

So if your one, don’t even effing bother.  I’d say fucking but I’m told women don’t like that on dating profile’s, but I’m also supposed to be me to so fuck it.

I have two kids.  Their only with me every other weekend when there bitch mother drops them off because I don’t drive.  I don’t have to see them if you don’t like kids.

Do NOT expect me to pay.  I’m not you’re free meal.

Must love dogs.  Mine sucks.

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